My father and I had a conversation yesterday about my menopause and my anger issues that are coming up.
He brought up some really good points, like the fact that I am on occasion, mirroring the anger and rudeness of others.
This, of course, is not something that I want to do, be or exhibit.
But let's be honest, I have struggled for a lifetime with my anger issues. I rarely get pissed to the point of actually affecting me. I ignore a lot, and then I have honed my skills at remaining "on," never dropping my 'cheerleader' persona. I can act like a ditz and pretend that I didn't know that someone was insulting me or my sense of decency, or I can use my hearing loss and pretend that I didn't hear. But for me, the most painful is when I react.
When I am unable or perhaps unwilling, to hold back, when I dive deep into my own shadow and become a soul crusher, targeting tender bits, buttons, triggers. It is shameful. It is something that hurts me, and even if it's deserved, I carry that guilt.
But I don't want to put that guilt down. I want to hold it, carry it like the weight that it is, I want to be reminded....ALWAYS....not to be that person. There are so many valuable aspects to my shadow, and yes, even wrath can be used in a positive manner, but when my wrath is used because I am weak, because someone hurt my feelings, because I am tired, because someone else's behavior is ugly....that is not when I want to access that wrath. I do not want it to be my go to when I recognize it as a temper tantrum.
When this wrath is not righteous, when it is simply a sign of our own weakness, insecurity, fear, etc. this is not being a good human, and I for one want to be the best human that I can.
Guabancex is a Taino deity who rules over storms, of any kind. But even the goddess of storms does not flip the fuck out willy nilly. No, this gal knows when a storm is needed, and when a light rain will do. Petition her for temper problems, anger issues, and protection against storms, even the ones that you cause.